Letting Go

When I look back at my life someday, 2010 is going to go down in the books as the year I finally came to my senses. It took 38 years, but finally, I've figured out that the world (and all the people in it) don't always have the best intentions.

I've been a Pollyanna in the past. I've always assumed that, in essence, everyone deep down is a good person, has a good heart, that if you showed someone enough kindness, you could turn them around. But the fact is, just because you care, doesn't mean anyone else will care. Not every one is moral, or trustworthy, or compassionate, or kind. Some people really only look out for themselves and could really give a damn about you, no matter how much you care.

These people are so damaged, so hurt, so abused, so incomplete themselves, that they can never offer you the friendship, love, or kindness you give to them. Whatever happened to them has turned them into bitter, cynical, ungenerous, critical, and pessimistic people who sap all your kindness until you are spent and destroyed. You spend your time boosting them up, making them feel better about themselves, being available at their beck and call, allowing them to speak to you any way they want and do whatever they want because you make excuses for them. You say to yourself, "oh, they've been hurt", "oh, they had a hard childhood", "oh, they don't mean to be so mean", but the truth is, they just really don't care about you or your feelings. You forgive and forgive and forgive, but would they do the same for you? You keep accepting them back in your life, giving them another chance, but they never change. You wonder to yourself, when do I say 'no more'? When do I say 'enough'?

And then one day, you wake up (at the age of 38 and wishing you had seen it before) and wonder "Why do I bother?" They will keep on being miserable, keep on being angry, keep on using you and abusing you, just as sure as the world will go on spinning. You cannot give these people enough love and kindness and compassion and make them all better, just like you can never fill up a black hole. They will always be empty, always be lacking, always with their glasses half-empty, and always taking from you, emotionally, physically, mentally, and even financially if you let them.

And that's when you realize that it's time to finally let them go.

So what do you do? Maybe you could start by taking inventory of all the people around you and asking yourself: is this person generous with their time, their actions, their words, their thoughts? Or are you the one that's always giving and they always the ones taking without reciprocation? Maybe it's time to let them go? Maybe letting them go will finally allow you to heal and become a better person yourself, full of love, and live the life you were meant to live.

This year, I've let go of many people that were toxic to me. I've stopped thinking that I could get along with and be friends with every human being out there. (Why did I ever think that was possible?) I have less friends now, but the friends I have now are truer. And, I make new friends every day. And, this time, I know what to look for.

Better late than never, right?

Anyway, for all of you out there who were suckers like me and let the miserable rule your life for a while, here's a beautiful poem that I hope will give you the courage to just let them go:


IF
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss,
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a man, my son!